“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” Mark Twain
Many people were raised to be polite, hold the door for someone walking in behind them, and be nice. Be nice. Most people I know who try to be nice typically complicate communication, befuddle the execution of ideas, and negatively influence relationships.
The reason nice does not work is because being nice trumps all things. Being agreeable and pleasing is of utmost importance to a nice person. People who believe in ‘nice’ will sacrifice everything to earn the title. They will turn from honest uncomfortable conversation. They’ll avoid what is difficult or different, especially if it challenges ‘nice’; living in a state of perpetual pleasing. Nice is deceptive like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Nice appears nice but it can turn a good administrator into a professional handicap.
Be kind.
Being kind involves having a sympathetic or helpful nature, a gentleness in treating others the way you wish to be treated kind of thing. Kind is doing and saying what is best for another person though it may result in conflict or resistance. Kind trumps the uncomfortable. Kind becomes the adult in the room, doing what needs to be done for the betterment of another even if they do not recognize it. Kindness over time earns respect from others merely by doing what most are too uncomfortable doing. It is courageous!
Pleasing others or oneself pales in comparison to earning respect.
Take a Minute: “Being considered nice is, well, nice, but it can come with a cost at work. Prioritizing niceness often means not being honest or critical, and sometimes that can hurt the company or your career in the long run,” wrote Fastcompany.com columnist Stephanie Vozza in August of 2019.
“It’s human nature to want people to like you,” says Stacey Engle, president of ‘Fierce’. “From the time we’re young, we’re trained to be nice, which means we’ve been trained to be ineffective in conversations. The saying, ‘If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ can get in the way if you don’t have communication skills to engage in important challenges and opportunities.”
I agree with this truth shared by Stephanie Vozza. Sometimes we need to kick an old habit. In this case I’d say out with the old ‘niceness’ and in with a new ‘kindness’.
I was born a natural pleaser. I innately wanted to meet the needs of people I met. When I was young, I tended to be sickeningly ‘nice’. I absorbed the feelings, wants, and needs of others. This makes for a very caring, sensitive administrator. Yet, it also sinks an administrator into a deep, dark place if they don’t eventually eradicate this quicksand.
Not Very Pleasing
Pleasing is equivalent to nice. My first memory recognizing my pleasing nature was after the death of my hero, my father. Danny Teevens Sr. A hardworking, good man.
About three years after dad’s death mom briefly dated a Finnish fellow. He had his own business fitting aluminum siding on the exterior of houses. He hired me, just 15 years old. I was wet behind the ears but a steadfast worker like dad. One day on the patio of our home we were enjoying a dinner, relaxing after work. I approached him and asked if he wanted another beer.
He said, “No thanks.”
“It’s ok, I’ll get you a beer,” I said.
He said, “I said, no I’m ok.”
“No, really, I’m happy to get you a beer,” I replied.
He sharply raised his voice, “I said I don’t want another beer. Don’t ask me again. Go!”
Ouch! I was devastated. In my mind I was being nice, a good person. Pleasing. ‘What was wrong with him? Why was he so mean?’ In fact, I annoyed the hell out of him. I didn’t respect his word, his request. I was seeking his approval and acceptance. It was all about me.
Over time I realized I was wanting his approval, not respecting his word. I meant well but it was about me being nice, wanting to be liked.
Lesson learned.
Take care, my friend 👍
